Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
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Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I want what they have
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”