Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
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Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.