Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
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You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.