@Elizasoul80

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

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@DirtMcTurd

My neighbor crashed her car while listening to Adele. She went rolling in the Jeep

@ruinedpicnic

[checks window]
[locks door]
[starts to tweet]
shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY

@wandering_leaf9

*Me & dog*
*duel for the last piece of chicken*
*tosses a stick to distract*
*fetches the stick*
*chicken is gone*

Well played Peanut…!!

@spacexsam

Forever tricking animals into thinking I’m patting them when really I’m just wiping crumbs off of my hands into their fur

@Lisabug74

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”352111911539716097″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”201″;s:5:”tweet”;s:59:”The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

@chrisdowning

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

@FeelingEuphoric

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

@Sassafrantz

When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.