(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
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Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
cat vs inanimate object
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.