Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
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[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse