I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
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If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
beware of dog
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.