Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
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I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I only treason on days ending in y
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?