@OreoSpeedwagon_

Adopt 25 cats and you’ll never be alone. Also melt cheese on things. Not the cats though.

-me as a therapist

You Might Also Like

@mela_shea

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

@Bob_Janke

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

@daemonic3

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

@Home_Halfway

She wears short skirts
I eat ham late at night
She’s cheer captain and
I eat ham late at night

@Gre_Gone

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

@HeyZeus666

The sign said ‘Free Range Chickens’. So, I took some.

@redditships

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

@Sassafrantz

Becky on FB is “too blessed to be stressed” so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.