[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
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Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I really had high hopes for this year though
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am