[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
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A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.