*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
when there are deer in the woods
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.