robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
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We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.