@eedrk

adrenaline does crazy shit to the human body. i saw a lady trapped under a car and suddenly felt a surge of energy so i went to the gym

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@ShesARealGenius

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

@AlexRogaski

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

@stormy_hero

[at wedding]
“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
Couple kisses
*yelling from the back row
“AWKWAAAARD”

@Bizarro_Mark

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

@Marcellomj

Hot water mixed with vinegar & baking soda. 2 cups of Coca-Cola, a dishwashing tablet & half a lemon. Swirl it for 3 minutes, place the pan in the solution for 45 minutes.

I then brushed it with a toothbrush. I rinsed it & it still looked the same. So I went & bought a new one.

@JohnFugelsang

Welcome to America, where the politicians we dislike ‘flip-flop on issues’ but the politicians we like ‘evolve.’

@VaultsOpen

My 6 year old nephew is legitimately pissed off that there is no actual monkey in the monkey bread.

@DaddyJew

7: I wanna watch a movie

Me: its late, sleep

7: I WANNA WATCH A MOVIE

M: fine *puts in Texas Chainsaw Massacre* goodnight you little shit

@iwearaonesie

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.