@JustMeTurtle

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

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@anniemalistics

Me: Look, I don’t mind if you watch me shower, but my husband’s probably gonna kill you if he catches you.
Spider:

@issyazalea

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

@chrisdowning

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

@ItsAndyRyan

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

@transvagmesh

God: I need an Ark built.

*Jesus lowers sunglasses*

Jesus: I Noah guy.

@Brianhopecomedy

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

@stealingyergirl

[first day as a psychic]

Boss: You’re fired.

Me: Man, I did not see that coming.

Boss: And now you know why.

@tracietom

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

@Parkerlawyer

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.