Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
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Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?