Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
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Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*