Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
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[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
me and the Superbowl rn
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later: