ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal


When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…


When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…



Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.


I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.


[Walking into a Mayo Clinic with a Club Sandwich]

Me: This is not what I expected.


On the Titanic 0 people died from alcohol poisoning and 1,500 people died from drinking too much water. You decide which is more dangerous.


My girlfriend is:

– super sweet
– light as a feather
– pink
– melts in my mouth when I eat her
– always at a circus
– possibly cotton candy


kicked out of church. I yelled “YEAH WE “HAVE A MARIA”, SHE’S MY AUNT, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT WEIRD”. mustve gotten too close 2 the truth


She said she hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person, but that’s like telling a samurai not to use his sword