Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
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When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
[Walking into a Mayo Clinic with a Club Sandwich]
Me: This is not what I expected.
On the Titanic 0 people died from alcohol poisoning and 1,500 people died from drinking too much water. You decide which is more dangerous.
My girlfriend is:
– super sweet
– light as a feather
– melts in my mouth when I eat her
– always at a circus
– possibly cotton candy
kicked out of church. I yelled “YEAH WE “HAVE A MARIA”, SHE’S MY AUNT, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT WEIRD”. mustve gotten too close 2 the truth
She said she hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person, but that’s like telling a samurai not to use his sword