I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Adult me: I wish I was a kid again.
Kid me: I wish I was a dinosaur! RaWr!
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TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life….
why is this so accurate
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
*Full parking lot*
Me: IF THERE IS A GOD, FIND ME A SPOT AND I WILL BECOME RELIGIOUS!
*spot opens up*
Me: NEVER MIND, I FOUND ONE!
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Hey online media: “Comfortability” isn’t a word. The noun you’re looking for is “comfort.” And it doesn’t need you to give it a fancy hat.