@TheMichaelRock

Adult me: I wish I was a kid again.

Kid me: I wish I was a dinosaur! RaWr!

You Might Also Like

@EliTerry

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

@TheNardvark

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

@Cycloptomese

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

@lovemyboots111

Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life….

Avoiding them

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

@Glittery_Love

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

@BoogTweets

*Full parking lot*

Me: IF THERE IS A GOD, FIND ME A SPOT AND I WILL BECOME RELIGIOUS!

*spot opens up*

Me: NEVER MIND, I FOUND ONE!

@fuzzlime

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

@SethMacFarlane

Hey online media: “Comfortability” isn’t a word. The noun you’re looking for is “comfort.” And it doesn’t need you to give it a fancy hat.