It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
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YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.