Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
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Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
choose your gary
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.