Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
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I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK