Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I love the National Park Service.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*