Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
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Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
everyone has that one prude friend
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada