Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
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I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don鈥檛 damage the resealable tabs like I鈥檓 not eating them all right now
OMG 馃ぃ馃ぃ
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn鈥檛 get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
him: I鈥檓 gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Your yearly reminder that if you鈥檙e mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don鈥檛 know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
#Caturday
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
No, it鈥檚 totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Nothing is impossible鈥xcept for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.