Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
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You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.