oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
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My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I’m literally crying
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.