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[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”


If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical


Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.


I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience


I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.


Interviewer: I don’t see a phone # for your reference
Me: he is a duck I feed bread to at the park you will have to speak to him directly


I aged about 2 years and counted 14,364 cat hairs on my cashiers blouse at Walmart waiting for her to ring up my groceries.


Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined


“I don’t want to disappoint you”

First of all, I support Arsenal