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@SortaBad

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

@Xalqee

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

@scrappy_momma

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

@envydatropic

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

@WheelTod

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

@pleatedjeans

Interviewer: I don’t see a phone # for your reference
Me: he is a duck I feed bread to at the park you will have to speak to him directly

@mexinonblonde

I aged about 2 years and counted 14,364 cat hairs on my cashiers blouse at Walmart waiting for her to ring up my groceries.

@PaperWash

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

@WelBeast

“I don’t want to disappoint you”

First of all, I support Arsenal