I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
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Her: hear that?
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
GUY POSING FOR THE SCREAM PAINTING: Are you done? Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: You look great
GUY: Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: No
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Girl- send your pic.
Me – i hv a group photo with friends.
Girl- ok send.
Me *sent a group photo*
Girl – where are you ?
Me- clicking pic.
if any only children have ever wondered what it’s like to have siblings, I just passed two little kids in their yard “sword” fighting, and the younger sibling had a branch, and the older sibling had an entire shovel. It’s just that for your whole life
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”