@Elizasoul80

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

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@bossy_bootz

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

@Be___Dope

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

@bea_ker

GUY POSING FOR THE SCREAM PAINTING: Are you done? Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: You look great
GUY: Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: No

@Be___Dope

Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!

@rahtzee

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

@hatehug

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

@GurjarShakti

Girl- send your pic.
Me – i hv a group photo with friends.
Girl- ok send.
Me *sent a group photo*
Girl – where are you ?
Me- clicking pic.

@mallaidhanne

if any only children have ever wondered what it’s like to have siblings, I just passed two little kids in their yard “sword” fighting, and the younger sibling had a branch, and the older sibling had an entire shovel. It’s just that for your whole life

@AngryRaccoon2

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”