*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
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Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Jackpot is like regular pot, but with a questionable added ingredient…
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
wife: dont do anything stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?