Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
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I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe