Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
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I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Dolls on drugs
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.