Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
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I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
just witnessed a drug deal
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.