Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
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I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.