Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
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Candles never taste the way they smell
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket