Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
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covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.