“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
You Might Also Like
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.