I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
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My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.