@HallpassCanada

Adults with big round heads have kids with big round heads so for god sakes please try to date outside your head shape.

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@JaneBadall

If I was an alcoholic, I’d stash all my booze in the laundry basket because apparently I’m the only person in my house who knows it exists.

@moodymeg01

my dog and my sex life have a lot in common.. I don’t have a dog.

@UduhEmeka

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

@JermHimselfish

I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30’s not living up to his full potential.

@MattMcGruff

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

@Parentpains

My ex wife is going through pms, I know this because my car is on fire.