Adults with big round heads have kids with big round heads so for god sakes please try to date outside your head shape.

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If I was an alcoholic, I’d stash all my booze in the laundry basket because apparently I’m the only person in my house who knows it exists.


my dog and my sex life have a lot in common.. I don’t have a dog.


This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available


I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30’s not living up to his full potential.


Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin


Me- Want some?


Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs


My ex wife is going through pms, I know this because my car is on fire.