First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
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My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
some things should go without saying
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Accurate
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.