NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
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It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I mean…but I did
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.