The future is now.
Advantage of seeing a goose: you just saw something interesting my friend.
Disadvantage: next goose experience less meaningful
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How do you think Heimlich got the idea for his “maneuver”
Every time the wife pisses me off, I hollow out her tampons and pack them with strawberry Pop Rocks.
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
When I die, I’m donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they’re not into it
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
God: starrrrrting now
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode