@shutupmikeginn

Advantage of seeing a goose: you just saw something interesting my friend.

Disadvantage: next goose experience less meaningful

You Might Also Like

@PlatinumShower

Every time the wife pisses me off, I hollow out her tampons and pack them with strawberry Pop Rocks.

@bea_ker

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

@donni

When I die, I’m donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they’re not into it

@karanbirtinna

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

@TweetPotato314

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

@hoopnazi

getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community