Advantage of seeing a goose: you just saw something interesting my friend.

Disadvantage: next goose experience less meaningful

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Every time the wife pisses me off, I hollow out her tampons and pack them with strawberry Pop Rocks.


[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope


When I die, I’m donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they’re not into it


No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.


God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife


God: starrrrrting now


Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.


getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community