Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
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Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
sin harder.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.