Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
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They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
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It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
❤️🦆
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”