Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

None that I can think of

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Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now


I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.


Seriously hackers, y’all gotta do better. I don’t need leaks from HBO, I need my student loan balance reduced to $12


THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?


Do these jeans make me look fat? And don’t cover your nose this time!

-Pinocchio’s girlfriend


I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me.

The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”


Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.


“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…


Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.


How about instead of shaking hands we nod at each other and that way we both won’t have to wash our hands?