@Michael1979

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

You Might Also Like

@BoogTweets

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

@baronvonbike

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

@ljoywilliams

Seriously hackers, y’all gotta do better. I don’t need leaks from HBO, I need my student loan balance reduced to $12

@Jake_Vig

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

@SteveSuckington

Do these jeans make me look fat? And don’t cover your nose this time!

-Pinocchio’s girlfriend

@RobertMorschel

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me.

The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

@Jenny4ashley

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

@pittdave13

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

@deedragonhunter

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

@juliussharpe

How about instead of shaking hands we nod at each other and that way we both won’t have to wash our hands?