Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
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My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
checking out some reviews of my local library
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House