ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
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Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell