Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
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Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Personal question. #JustSaying
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning