Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Advice for all girls: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But you catch the most flies with corpses.
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I ate a big cheeseburger for lunch and my heart started going really fast, so I’m counting it as an hour at the gym.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow
My wife is gorgeous, selfless, amazing, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”