This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
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Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.