@KristinHalbrook

Advice for all girls: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But you catch the most flies with corpses.

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@AimeeHelene1

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

@daemonic3

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

@Schmoodles

I ate a big cheeseburger for lunch and my heart started going really fast, so I’m counting it as an hour at the gym.

@Torgo_phylum

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

@SlothSlouch

I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow

@Eagle_Vision

My wife is gorgeous, selfless, amazing, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.

@Reverend_Scott

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

@withanewname

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

@thatcarlygirl

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”