@KristinHalbrook

Advice for all girls: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But you catch the most flies with corpses.

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@sir_shithead_I

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

@tangledteatime

Me: Let me pet your dogs, mister!

Him: Not you again. Get outta here!

[LATER]

Me: *wearing moustache* Excuse me sir

@CulturedRuffian

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

@GaryJanetti

I don’t know why Russia is so homophobic. Most of the women there look like men anyway.

@MunkMania

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

@TheHatdog

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

@Peteypops13

My doctor said NO drinking for 2 weeks,then we both laughed.