Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
You Might Also Like
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Battery falling down a hole
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I put the h in mysterious.