@QuietPsycho

Advice from a 6 year old patient:

“You should wear your stethoscope everywhere…girls will really like you. You look smart”

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@PortRooster

Moon: Yo, Earth! Constant revolution?! Why so angry?

Earth: You just don’t understand the gravity of the situation.

Sun: Oooh… Burn!!!

@TravLeBlanc

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

@SoniaEryka

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

@IamEnidColeslaw

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

@BillMc7

me: *tries to help old lady cross the street*
old lady: I have a boyfriend.

@calebsaysthings

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

@Tbone7219

My ceiling fan has three speeds ~

1. Slow

2. Medium

3. HOLY SHIT THERE’S A HELICOPTER LANDING IN MY BEDROOM !!!!

@DeadLioness

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.