Advice from a 6 year old patient:

“You should wear your stethoscope everywhere…girls will really like you. You look smart”

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Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)


Ladies…when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.


Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.


Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.


[Desert island]
Jane: What?
M: It’s a boat!

Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats


Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go


Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!



Moon: Yo, Earth! Constant revolution?! Why so angry?

Earth: You just don’t understand the gravity of the situation.

Sun: Oooh… Burn!!!


If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.