@QuietPsycho

Advice from a 6 year old patient:

“You should wear your stethoscope everywhere…girls will really like you. You look smart”

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@sixfootcandy

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

@JonnyStallone

Ladies…when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.

@Vice_Queen

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

@QuintinForbes

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

@MarfSalvador

[Desert island]
Me: JANE!
Jane: What?
M: It’s a boat!
J: HEEEEEEEEELP!

Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats

@PoodleSnarf

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

@rebrafsim

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

@PortRooster

Moon: Yo, Earth! Constant revolution?! Why so angry?

Earth: You just don’t understand the gravity of the situation.

Sun: Oooh… Burn!!!

@SunnySideUp1987

If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.