I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
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Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
How to find Kentucky on a map
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Okay, I’m still confused…
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name