advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
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The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.