doctor: you’re gonna need to take probiotics
me: oh i don’t think i can afford that
doctor: don’t worry, there are lower cost options
me: ah, yes. amateur biotics
advisor: sire, the kingdom is in chaos, the streets ravaged with crime, surely you can spare so-
king: NO. the egg needs ALL my men
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Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
When Girls Are On Their Period
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*