We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
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Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Hero horse inspires millions
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”