@wickedimproper

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

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@KatieBurnett

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

@iLikeCatShirts

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

@UncleDuke1969

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

@WinningByARose

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

@KalvinMacleod

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

@VanVeenB

Dance like nobody’s watching you.

‘Cause they’re not.
Nobody cares.

~Inspirational tweet~

@ninetek

if people paid attention to safety warnings at industrial sites, we’d have way fewer super heroes

@jazmasta

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That’s whey past my bedtime