Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
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Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Investing in beetcoin
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know