Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
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It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.