“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

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“Oh I’ll be your relationship status alright…”

-me sleeping outside this Taco Bell


I updated my drivers on my laptop and now I have all kinds of pop ups…thanks Microsoft!


Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.


Cats make the best boyfriends because they’re soft, loyal, and won’t claim they’re straight but then turn gay after one lousy date, BRENT!


What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*


being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican


I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”


Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.


Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.