@flglmn

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

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@TheCatWhisprer

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

@rolldiggity

Prince: “The slipper fits! You’re the girl I met!”
Girl: “I wasn’t even at the ball. This is a common shoe size.”
Prince: “YOU’RE THE GIRL!”

@FattMernandez

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

@papasuncle

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

@djdarrellripley

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

@Brampersandon_

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

@timdonakowski

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

@Sean_Burgundy_

I hate when I meet a beautiful woman and have to leave bc someone who beat me in a rap battle is walking my way

@iwearaonesie

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again