@flglmn

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

You Might Also Like

@scubavelli

“Oh I’ll be your relationship status alright…”

-me sleeping outside this Taco Bell

@livingnBoston

I updated my drivers on my laptop and now I have all kinds of pop ups…thanks Microsoft!

@MikeZakarian

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

@Iwriteforcats

Cats make the best boyfriends because they’re soft, loyal, and won’t claim they’re straight but then turn gay after one lousy date, BRENT!

@Love_bug1016

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

@jonnysun

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

@HysteriaBarbie

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

@CryptoNature

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

@coketruck76

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.