“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
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Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.